Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by The-Slytherin-Alchemist
Summary: Have you ever wondered what you cannot do at Hogwarts? Never fear, my crack BS is here! ...Can you tell I'm bad at summaries? Rated T for a few cuss words. R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

**ME: Harry, do the disclaimer!**

 **Harry: I don't wanna. Make Ron do it.**

 **ME: Ron, do the disclaimer!**

 **Ron: NO!**

 **ME: *le sigh**

 **ME: Alright, you asked for it.**

 **ME: *Uses alchemy to turn metal hand into a dagger**

 **ME: Harry do the disclaimer. Now.**

 **Harry: Alright, alright, Jeez, woman, you are scary.**

 **Harry: The Slytherin Alchemist does not own me. Or Ron or Hermione. Or any other fandoms referenced to in here.**

 **ME: Unfortunately.**

 **ME: I present to you...**

 **THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO AT HOGWARTS!**

I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals.

I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul are simply coincidental.

I will not refer to the Weasley or Patil Twins as "bookends."

I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

I will not hold my wand in the air before I cast spells shouting "I got the power!"

I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Clause" during the Christmas Holidays.

I will not put a Muggle fairy tale book in the History section at the library.

I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head, and laugh as he tries to reach it.

I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

I will not impersonate Gordan Ramsey in Potions class.

The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

Sending rings to the senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

Insisting that the school acquire computers and network in the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

Calling in the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

I may not have a private army.

I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

I am not the wicked witch of the west.

I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

I will not melt if water is poured over me.

Neither will Professor Umbridge.

I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.

I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

Especially not all of them at once.

I will not try to hock off my old earrings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

He is not to be addressed as Anakin or Kylo Ren.

I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

**ME: MWAHAHAHAHA *coughcough***

 **ME: Sorry 'bout that. I'm practicing my evil laugh for when I take over the world.**

 **ME: November 7th was my B-DAY! Shout out to my friends, Choco and Sunny! You two know who you are! If you still don't, this is from Amber (** ** _checks Seasons' info)_** **Vivilio Folium!**

 **ME: None of those are our real names.**

 **ME: By the way, if you wanted to take over the world, what would your super villain name be and why? And what would your power be? Comment your answers down below! Mine would be** _ **The Gray Alchemist**_ **and my power would be controlling fire. Yeah, very original, I know.**

 **ME: *looks at tied up Malfoy***

 **ME: *slices ropes and grabs him by the collar***

 **ME: Say. The. Disclamer.**

 **Malfoy: TheSlytherinAlchemistdoesnotownHarryPotterbecausesheisasian-americanandnotbritish.**

 **ME: You heard it here first folks! I do not own Harry Potter or any other fandoms here!**

 **ME: *looks at Malfoy* Scram.**

* * *

I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.

Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.

Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.

-However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

-I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is the second cousin of Darth Vader

I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All The Good-Looking Ones Die Young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

I will not yell "Hey look! It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade.

I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry.

I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall.

I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogle".

I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams.

There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.

My name is not "the Dark Lord Happy-Pants," and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.

I will not tell first years they should build a treehouse in the Whomping Willow.

I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.

I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

A time turner is not a flux capacitor. I should therefore not try to install it in a Muggle car.

I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.

When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can only be ONE".

A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums. No matter how bored I become.

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed, and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

No matter how good an Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

I will not refer to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon and Aragog. Ever.

I may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones.

Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean.

* * *

 **To answer your question, Qoheleth, I wasn't planning on doing that. However...**

 **That is a great idea I'm going to do it!**

 **I want to finish this one before I do any others, so it might be a few weeks. Or months.**


	3. Chapter 3

Under no circumstances am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy".

-Even if he is.

I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk.

I am prohibited from sprinkling glitter on Draco Malfoy, dying his hair, and calling him Edward.

I am not allowed to recreate the Great Gulon Incident with dungbombs

I am not allowed to sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid.

I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present.

Saying "I think I 'taw a puddytat!" every time I see Professor McGonagall is most certainly NOT allowed.

Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will not amuse him and I am not allowed to do so, even if he needs a new hairdo.

I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse is Professor Umbridge.

I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him having a temper tantrum.

I am not allowed to introduce the Cullens to Professor Lupin.

I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'.

I shall not play matchmaker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day because it will only make him cry when no one will go out with him because of his lack of hair and nose. And soul.

I am not allowed to be a matchmaker for Shelob and Aragog either.

I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul.

I will not scream, "HIS NAME IS EDWARD!" any time I hear the words Cedric Diggory.

I will not ask the centaurs if they know where Chiron is because I have found a demigod.

I will not shout at dinner times that Darth Sidious is Voldemort's uncle, even if they do look alike.

I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's real name is Percy Jackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living.

I will not sing 'I'm a Survivor' after the Battle of Hogwarts.

No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at the Yule Ball.

Professor Lupin is not the magical equivalent of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such.

Even if I'm bored, I am not allowed to ask Snape what the mysterious ticking noise is.

I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick of black-haired, green-eyed heroes.

Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred and George's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high, then call them John and Edward in the morning.

I will not send Voldemort white robes for Christmas and claim he changed his name to, "Voldy the White."

-And when he wears them, I am not allowed to run around Hogsmeade screaming, "AHHH! It's an albino Dementor!"

It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas.

Bringing a Magic ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawney annoyed at your "lack of Inner Eye."

I am not allowed to point to Harry Potter's scar and ask him is his Voldy-Senses are tingling.

I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

Nor am I allowed to have lightsaber fights with my wand and make whooshing noises.

"Because they both need to wash their hair" is not proof Professor Snape and Aragorn are related.

There is also no proof that Gimli and Flitwick are related and I am to stop asking Flitwick if he's been swimming with any hairy women lately.

Singing 'Hungry Like The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extra credit.

I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I know where you live" or "I stole all your underwear!"

I am not allowed to replace the Bludgers with peas, tomatoes, plums or anything that is not a Bludger.

Portable swamps are not funny.

-And I will not set off a portable swamp above Snape's sleeping quarters.

-Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms.

-In fact, I am not allowed to even buy portable swamps.

Harry Potter is not a Son of Poseidon and saying this every time I see him will only result in him filing a restraining order against me.

My patronus is not a Nazgul.

-Neither is my animagus form.

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

\- It still is not appropriate, even if I have substituted the flying monkeys with gummy bears.

I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

No part of the school uniform is edible.

-Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.


	4. Chapter 4

**Me: H** **ello! It's ya girl, the Alchemist! Um... I have something I want to warn you about...**

 **Me: I'm going to China over winter break to visit my relatives.**

 **Me: And I'm moving, but I digress.**

 **Me: The thing is, I might not be able to update while in China.**

 _ **Crowd boos**_

 **Me: *Ducks tomatoes and stuff* So I probably won't be able to update from December to January.**

 **Rue: Do the disclaimer! You forgot to do it in the last chapter!**

 **Me: Thanks Rue... waIT WHY ARE YOU IN THIS FIC?**

 **Rue: wHY ArE yOu iN THiS fIC? To tell you to do the disclaimer! Duh!**

 **Me: *Pushes Rue back into my other fic***

 **Me: Vargas! Take care of Elric!**

 **Adam: DO THE FRICKIN' DISCLAIMER!**

 **Me: The Slytherin Alchemist does not own Harry Potter or any other fandoms referenced to in this fic.**

 **Me: ONWARDS!**

 **~oOo~**

I will not try to take house points from the first years for "being too goddamned short".

Especially as I am in no position of authority and Dumbledore would have to be heavily drugged before he would ever make me a prefect.

I am not allowed to wear singing holiday-themed ties and claim that they are officially part of my uniform. Especially not during June.

Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

Professor Lupin is not the magical equivalent of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such.

I am to attend astronomy class and should stop yelling that aliens will abduct me if I do.

Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

No matter how much I would enjoy watching Harry sing "Saturday Night."

"Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

Nor am I to ask if he is Carlisle Cullen's evil, unfortunate-looking twin.

I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity, because that is disturbing.

Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

Voldemort does not wish to appear as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics. And no, he does not care how much money I make from it.

The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror".

Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is also inappropriate.

I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

I will not spread rumors that Legolas Greenleaf is his second cousin either.

Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "psychedelic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is.

The same goes for Professor Trelawney.

I will not get a tattoo of a smiley face on my arm and claim that it is the new Dark Mark.

I will not set my robes on fire to get out of potions.

I should not be a sports' commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments.

Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died" sign.

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.

I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick.

I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.

I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms"

I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's tasteless, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.

If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than six seconds, I will assume that I am not allowed to use it.

I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.

I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.

I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day".

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

I will not call Transfiguration, Alchemy.

I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.

Even though he needs one.

First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.

It is not necessary to yell "BAM" every time I Apparate.

I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bees."

"I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.


	5. Chapter 5

**Me: Hi guys! This will probably** **be** **my last update for the year.**

 _ **Crowd boos**_

 **Me: *Sniffs* I'm sorry! To make up for that, I have a special guest to say the disclaimer!**

 **Me: Please welcome Adam Vargas from my other story!**

 **Adam: Why am I here?**

 **Me: To say the disclaimer!**

 **Adam: *sigh* The Slytherin Alchemist does not own Harry Potter or any other fandoms or companies mentioned in this fic.**

 **Me: Great. Now go back to-**

 _ **Le explosion**_

 **Me: RUE!**

 **~oOo~  
**

I should not tell someone to go take Viagra.

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.

I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.

It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously.

I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.

I am not the King of the Potato People, nor do I have a flying carpet.

I will not attack my fellow classmates.

I will not make an impossible riddle for people to give an answer to enter the Ravenclaw area.

I am not allowed to throw salt at the ghosts, as they are sick of it.

Nor can I burn their bones.

I am not allowed to call Professor Snape "Chef Ramsey".

Nor am I allowed to call Professor Dumbledore "Gandalf".

I am not allowed to call in the Winchesters on the resident ghosts, as it is a cruel and tasteless trick.

I am not allowed to show people Mission Impossible and claim the IMF is real.

I am not allowed to throw floo powder in a fireplace and yell "Beam me up, Scotty!"

Saying "Space- the final frontier!" during astronomy was only funny the first time.

-It is the same for the "Twilight Zone" theme song.

I am not allowed to refer to Professor Quirrell as a terrorist.

I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana is extra credit Herbology work.

-That is also true for Opium Poppy.

I am not allowed to rickroll someone with howlers.

I must not set up an underground dueling arena.

I am not allowed to refer to the Weasleys as the Loud Family.

I am not allowed to refer to the houses as "Dauntless, Erudite, Amity, and Factionless."

Nor am I allowed to refer to myself (or anyone else for that matter) as Divergent, and I will not charm the hat to do so either.

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

I am not a sloth or tribble Animagus.

I do not weigh the same as a duck.

I do not have a Dalek, Raptor, or Pikachu Patronus.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and then walking away is only funny the first time.

I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead.

My name is not Captain Subtext.

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".

I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.

-And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege"

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

Ravenclaw's do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

Flying Green Mint Bunnies are not real

-Therefore, I should stop pointing at air and saying "Look at the Flying Green Mint Bunny!"

I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.


	6. Chapter 6

**Me: No, last time's update was not my last one. CAW CAW MOTHER- ahem.**

 **Me: And TinyFox2, yes, I'm writing that one and hope to get it posted by tomorrow.**

 **Me: So I spent like half an hour looking for this face ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Apparently, It's called the Lenny Face. You're welcome. By the way, #275 is rated T+. I'll italicize it so that if you are under 12, you can skip it. I'm not writing a story based off it either, I'd have to raise the rating up to M.**

 **Me: Anyways, here are unofficial rules 251-300!**

 **Vivian, from the other room: The Slytherin Alchemist does not own Harry Potter or any other fandoms referenced to in this chapter.**

 **Me: Heh, right. Thanks Vivian!**

 **~oOo~**

I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.

I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.

I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.

I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.

I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.

I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.

"Y'all, check this thing here out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

I will not go to class skyclad.

I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

"Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

-I will not invent one, either

I am not a Pinball Wizard.

I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

"OMGWTF" is not a spell, and I will not make it one.

 _Polishing your wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing your wand" in the common room is not acceptable._ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

It is not appropriate to bring a paper fortune teller to Divination.

I do not live in a musical, therefore I am not allowed to break out in song in the middle of class.

I will not accuse Fluffy of having eaten my homework.

I will not post pictures of the Troll face in the dungeon and claim that there are trolls in the dungeons.

I will not attempt to exorcise Professor Binns.

I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.

Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in Care of Magical Creatures.

I will not insist that David Tennet is Barty Crouch Jr.

I am not allowed to speak only using finger puppets.

I will not start a chain Howler.

I will not tell first years that their wardrobes are portals to Narnia.

I will not ask Voldemort where his nose went.

I will not tell first years that Fang is a hellhound.

The house elves are not there to do my homework

When caught sleeping in class, I'm not allowed to claim that the Negaverse stole all of my energy and the Sailor Scouts have yet to get it back.

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

I will not hand a red shirt to the new DADA professor and claim that they're standard uniform for the position.

Telling Lucius what he could do with his cane is not advisable.

I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

I must stop telling first years about the time a Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

I am not allowed to cause mass hysteria among the first years by freaking out when the ghosts show up.

I will not demand that Professor Trelawney be given a muggle drug test.

It is probably not wise to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.

It is not appropriate to trade first years between houses.

I will not use magic to change test questions into those that I can answer.


	7. Chapter 7

**GUESS WHOS BACK BOIS AND GURLS!**

 **Yeah, I'm back from China. It was fun and there was good food and now I've moved to a place where there is no such thing as Good Chinese Food TM within a hundred mile radius and-**

 **Enough about my rant. My computer broke, so I couldn't update until now. New computer, don't fail me! I'm also jet lagged so I apologize about any misspellings or grammer issues. As usual, I own nothing. Buckle up, my friends, cause here we go!**

 **~oOo~**

I will not tell first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their house colors for their first day of lessons.

Hogwarts is not in the USA, therefore I am not to make first years reenact the first Thanksgiving every year in order to celebrate it.

I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony".

Thriller is not the school dance.

And am I not allowed to teach all of the first years do the Thriller dance on Halloween claiming it is a school tradition.

I will not borrow Trelawney's tarot cards for a game of poker.

I will not try to 'capture' a unicorn in a 'pokeball'.

I will not put Prof. Flitwick on a Christmas tree and claim that I thought he was a decoration because of his size.

I will not enchant a stag to attack Prof. Snape claiming that it is James Potter resurrected.

I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the great hall.

I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs in the school and call them "Umbridge's Children".

I will also not charm them to follow Umbridge around the school.

Harry Potter is not my "Protection Shield" to carry around and ward off evil.

Hagrid's skin is not green, and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant'.

A hug is not all Prof. Snape needs.

I will not use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on any food items at mealtimes.

I will not enchant a furry costume to run around and do unspeakable things

I will not enchant a suit of armor to follow me around and call it Alphonse Elric.

I will not ask Professor Trelawney when she last had her Inner Eye tested.

I will also not recommend that she get glasses for her Inner Eye.

Hufflepuffs are not the Canadians of Hogwarts.

The Fat Lady is not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

I will not throw Hermione's "Hogwarts: A History" out a window claiming it wanted freedom.

I cannot Hadouken anything into oblivion.

Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not. Neither are Snuggies.

When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the opponent time to find their wand.

The world will not end in 2012 and I am to stop telling everyone that Harry Potter going insane will be the cause of it.

Yelling "To infinity and beyond" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."

Professor Moody is not, nor will he ever be, disguised as a "sexy 956 year old Time Lord with BAMF hair".

It is not acceptable to ask Professor Sprout if she has found an Audrey II yet.

I cannot ask the professors if they have ever been in shampoo commercials.

Or Lucius Malfoy.

Especially not Professor Snape

Yelling "BOO!" at Professor Moody is not wise.

I will not tell first years that Professor Snape is the voice of God.

There is no bring a muggle to school day.

I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depressants.

Neither will I tell him that it's a phase.

I am not to slip Polyjuice potion to as many people as possible to make them look like me 'purely for the humor'.

I will not slip sleeping potions into my professor's drinks.

You cannot get credit for Muggle Studies by watching "Sherlock".

It is unwise and unhealthy to ask Voldemort if he's been waiting all these years to dance again.

Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT level potions classes.

I will not charm the Great Hall doors to shout "You will not pass!" every time someone tries to get in.

Even if Professor Dumbledore thinks it's funny

It is not acceptable to tell the first years that Bellatrix Lestrange is going to bake them in a pie

I will not randomly break into soliloquies.

A dog toy is not an appropriate gift for Sirius Black.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello! I'm back with another update haha~**

 **Anyways, this is the last update in this story! In other words, its completed. Enjoy the last chapter of** ** _Things You are not Allowed to do at Hogwarts_** **!**

 **Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would write better than this. I own nothing.**

I will not attempt to fuse the rules of chemistry with those of potions.

I will not do that with the rules of alchemy in transfiguration either.

I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

I'm not on Survivor and therefore I'm not allowed to vote people out of the common room.

Snape is not Batman and I will not hum/sing the Batman theme song whenever he enters a room.

I will not sing "Ebony and Ivory" whenever I see Dean and Seamus together.

Fluffy can not and should not be given Scooby Snacks. He WILL throw up.

Just because it was funny to have the school do the Time Warp, I will not teach them how to do the Soulja boy.

I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

I must not yell "Scoob! It's a g-g-ghost!" every time Professor Binns enters the classroom.

Singing "U.G.L.Y." to Moaning Myrtle, although funny, is extremely unkind.

I will not read "My Immortal" to Slytherins.

The "I Hate Umbridge" Club is not a valid after class activity.

Hermione does not like to be referred to as Herman.

I will not add 'according to the prophecy' to the end of every sentence in Divination class, just to raise my grade.

Asking "So, when do we learn to saw a lady in half?" is not appropriate.

Replacing McGonagall's pumpkin juice with Diet Coke, while amusing, makes her snort it out her nose and detentions aren't as amusing.

I will not accuse the Minister of being a Death Eater.

I will not try to breed a Thestral and a Grim.

Coming up with a fake disease and telling first years that they have it is not a good idea.

Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is frowned upon.

Mrs. Norris does not like playing with Blast-Ended Skrewts.

I am not a demi-god and I do not go to camp Half Blood during the summer.

And no, I am not a Shadowhunter, nor do I work at the British Institute!

Going to Barty Crouch Jr. and asking him "where Rose is" is not acceptable.

Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of the term to say, "Practicing magic during the holidays is encouraged, please try to hex at least five muggles" is immature and really bad idea.

It is not a good idea to charm the furniture the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.

Teaching first years to chorus in unison "the amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is wrong. Funny, but wrong.

I will not "borrow" a prefects badge for Peeves.

I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle cupcakes with Veritaserum in them.

I will not take a Hippogriff to the summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions.

I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she turn into a cat.

Not only is it a bad idea to mix potions and nitroglycerine together, it is also dangerous.

I will not ask Professor Snape about the Molarity of the potions ingredients.

Starting a betting pool with the Slytherins on when Harry Potter will die is not appropriate.

I will not sell muggle pens to students for a profit. No matter how much neater they are to write with.

Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

The Death Eaters are not Daleks.

There is no such things as Pigfarts.

I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy tower.

I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort because it will probably get me killed and is disrespectful.

I will not tie-dye all the owls.

I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ents.

I am not allowed to cosplay as Tom Riddle all day, nor may I ask a metamorphmagus to do so.

When signing to all of these rules, I am not allowed to write in red ink and say that the Cullens lent me some grizzly bear blood.

 **Well that was a long ride.**

 ***Gurl that was only eight chapters***

 **Thank you for sticking with me during my probably-now-annual winter hiatus! (::) (::) Virtual cookies for EVERYONE! As usual, R &R! **

**Thank you and GOODBYE!**

 **...for this story at least.**


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